It’s the biggest stumbling block for a lot of people who haven’t popped their Glastonbury cherry, but is it an urban myth, or at the very least a slight over-exaggeration? In short, are the toilets at Glastonbury *really* that bad? Old photos of naked hippies squatting over a hole in the ground in 1971 can give the more genteel music fans the screaming abdabs, but it’s a fact that the festival has moved on considerably since those early days.

In the eyes of the festival hounds at Q4music, it’s down to personal choice. If your philosophical leanings are along the same lines of top existentialist and Monty Python in-joke Jean-Paul Sartre, in that “hell is other people”, then a busy festival full of hundreds of thousands of people and all their bodily functions probably isn’t your idea of fun. But, as with all moments of extreme trauma, it’s amazing what the human spirit can overcome.

Here are your bog options:

PORTALOOS
The portaloos are the most ubiquitous of the Glastonbury dunny, and while they are modern and private, they are enclosed and in the height of summer, there can get a little bit fragrant after a few dozen people have used them. Your personal proximity to someone else’s business (literally) can also frighten the unwary and cause an attack of “stage fright”. And should we believe that oft-told story (told by a guy who heard from some bloke, who knew someone that was definitely there) in which a slightly worse for wear festival-goer manages to upend a portaloo on top of himself?*

The top tip is: wait until they’ve just been cleaned. And for God’s sake, if you must go at the block right by the Pyramid Stage during The Killers, you deserve all you get.

URINALS
For the blokes – it’s a no-brainer. For the girls, has any one actually tried the “She Pees”? Let us know your experiences (although you don’t need to go into too much detail, if you know what we mean).

THE LONG DROP
Open air toilet seat situated over a pit of sewage with no locks on the doors? If this sounds positively medieval, then think again. A lot of Glastonbury-goers swear by the long drop because they’re in the fresh air and you’re some distance from the odure beneath you unlike the portaloos. The lock on the door business can be avoided by following festival etiquette and checking for feet before you open the door, but as other people can be a bit clueless, it may be worth going with a friend and taking “sentry duty”.

FLUSHING TOILETS
A few flushing toilets are available near the farm house, but this may be just a legend. In any case, you’re going to have to queue and queue for this one. Shame they can’t combine the two great queuing areas and provide a flushing toilet that also dispenses cash.

THE AFRICAN PIT LATRINES
Up by the Sacred Space and run by Water Aid, it’s your standard hole-in-the-ground affair as found in restrooms all over France, but with a credo of “leave it as you’d like to find it” and water to wash away the nastiness supplied, they should be – in theory – a pleasure to use. It’s at night things tend to get a bit hellish, as they don’t have any lights.

*We reckon this is hogwash, to be honest. Portaloos are usually racked out in connected blocks and weighted at the bottom to stop this kind of event from happening, so it seems unlikely this would happen. Unless you were there, of course – send us a photo! On second thoughts, maybe keep it to yourself.

Anyway, that’s our rough and ready rundown of how to avoid toilet pain at Glastonbury 2007. You’ll notice that the other option – holding it in or taking lots of anti-diahorrea tablets – is not mentioned, mainly because doctors would advise against it.

But if you’ve been to Glastonbury, what’s your opinion? Are these the rantings of a naïve festival virgin or sound advice? What would you recommend, and what are your Top Toilet Tips? Post your thoughts here.